“Don’t you know the seed would never grow if there were never showers?
And though the rain might bring a little pain, just look at all the flowers.
Don’t you fret now, child, don’t you worry
The rain’s to help you grow, so don’t try to hurry the storm along
The hard times make you strong.”
Jamie Owens-Collins*
Ever feel powerless over life’s challenges, especially when it involves your child? That you have no words of wisdom to offer? That you are inadequate and unsure of exactly what to do, how to handle that uninvited “event” that barges through your front door. Events such as divorce, separation, death of a loved one, school difficulties, medical issues, financial losses, legal issues, moving, or a job loss?
We Want The Best For Our Children
As a parent it is never easy to watch your child be thrown into the midst of a difficult situation, and to see them struggle to deal with it. We want to shield our child’s life from imperfection, trauma, and tragedy. We want to insulate them from life’s problems with predictability, love, and protection. We become almost aggressive in trying to create a perfect, carefree, “Disney-World” environment where there are no tears, no pain, and certainly, no disappointment. After all, aren’t parents supposed to be the great protectors and defenders? The “Boo-boo Bunnies”? The ones who have all the answers? Don’t we have all the coping skills necessary to help our children?
Significance Of Challenges For Our Children
As parents we must recognize the significance of allowing difficult life challenges to be used as “teachable moments” to help our children develop healthy intellectual and emotional coping skills for life’s tough circumstances. How can we best do this? I have found that using any or all of the following nine coping skills tips can help give direction and provide stability in the midst of one of life’s unpredictable events. Personally, I have used these nine helpful coping tips with my own children when my life’s trials have come barging through the family front door.
Nine Helpful Coping Skills Tips
- 1) Minimize change – do whatever you can to reduce or avoid change in regard to areas of life in which you still can maintain some control, such as, homelife, school, and peers
- 2) Firmness (but not rigidity) – Children look to their parents to provide strong leadership and boundaries. They desire family rules for all to follow. Refrain from “child-worship” or overindulging your children in the midst of struggle, as both these can be even more problematic.
- 3) Concrete reassurance – Children desire to please their parents and need your constant reassurance during tough times. This will need to be expressed many times in many ways, continually and consistently. Tell them what they are doing right! Let them hear your compliments for following the family rules or for getting that 89% on the spelling test.
- 4) Tolerance and empathy for their distress – As adults we desire and need patience and grace from our friends and coworkers while distressed. Children need the same thing from us.
- 5) Provide information – Children need accurate, age-appropriate information, but NOT intimate details, to help them cope. Be wise in what you share, but DO share what you can.
- 6) Opportunities to express feelings – Children need to be able to express their feelings (hopes, joys, anger, sadness, etc), even the not-so-pleasant ones. This can be difficult to allow, but can provide for additional bonding time and can strengthen the parent-child relationship.
- 7) Positive, consistent, loving relationship with each parent – Avoid parent alienation; allow your child to communicate readily with each parent whenever possible.
- 8) Encourage seeking the best way to handle challenges – If one way is not working, help your child to find alternatives and substitutes to cope with the challenges they face. We may not be able to control others, but we can help figure out a proactive way to cope with unpredictable reactions from others.
- 9) Refuse to listen to a continual stream of negatives – This is especially applicable when there are negative comments about the other parent, which is often a common occurrence in divorce or blended family scenarios.
Your job as a parent is to provide a strong, supportive safety net to help your child find resolution, while teaching and modeling how to handle those life storms that are inevitable from time to time.
Be hopeful and embrace your parenting strength. Be your child’s champion and continue offering an environment of love and protection. Be firm, yet practical to allow the struggle. Be creative in this teaching moment.
Children are resilient when supplied with the proper structure to learn about life’s challenges and the appropriate coping skills to deal with those challenges. Hard times will make them strong!
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